Relationship Trusts Issues

Hello everybody,

Have you ever had this weird feeling in you and you don't even know exactly what it is?
It's so confusing and mixed up.

So many things happen in my life and a lot of time I had mixed feelings. Sometimes I don't even know whether am I suppose to be happy about those feelings or be worry about them.

It is really contradicting me, my thoughts and eventually it will kind of affect the decision I made in the end.

Recently, I had those mixed feelings again.
I meet new people every single time and every single time I have doubts about them. The only difference is, how deep are they. I think having doubts in someone is when you don't trust them, especially those that you know didn't trust you at all.

How can I trust someone that didn't trust me?

There's a saying that goes like this: "To know if you can trust someone, is to first trust them."

REALLY? 

Because I got broke big time doing that in the past. Is that a lesson to learn or not?

I had people that clearly show me that they don't trust me and I totally can understand that uncomfortable feeling inside you. It's like you want to say something or share something but you can't. And all you can do, is to keep it to yourself and swallow that bomb.

Speaking of which, recently new people gave me a lot of negative feelings. Like clearly they're telling me that: "Hey you, I'm judging you big time, don't mess it up."

I don't like people to judge me and treat me judgementally. Sometimes, I felt like I had a sudden dropped in my confidence level when this judgemental HUMAN commented negatively behind my back to a third party and I happened to know. (I always know)

Really?! Is that how people see me? Is that how I come across to people? Do everybody think the same way as you do about me? Am I that bad? :(

I have never really felt so badly judged before! :[ It's terrible.

After a while, I am like, HECK IT! HECK YOU! 

Why should I even care about what you think? You barely just know me. In fact, I admit that because you are judging me, I am influenced by you to judge you. I'd probably had lots of thoughts and assumption about you as well. 

^ Yes. This is what I meant by mixed feelings and thoughts.

It's like drowning.

It's a lot similar to struggling; thoughts v.s. feelings; between your heart and your mind; to keep yourself together and to remember that you are the most beautiful lady living on the planet.

It's really about that negative vibe some people give you, and you just don't want to take it!

It's so not a welcome gift for a first impression, especially, when I am kind of your guest?

Like seriously? Sometimes, I really want to just go right up to their face and say, who the hell you think you are to judge me?!

But then again, I'd probably won't do that. 

CONTRADICTING RIGHT? YES I KNOW. :[

I can be really angry about them.

I chose not to get so angry easily now, because I don't want too much negative vibe and feelings.

I don't want to waste time on something so meaningless, like being angry or sad.

People died everyday.

Nobody ain't got time for that.

*

Shit feelings. 

*

You can't please everybody Evalee.

God placed you here now for a reason. 

Well, thank you for reading, if you are reading. 

For now, I'm going to prepare for bedtime.

I will continue on this trust issue post again.

Stay tuned for more personal stuff. (My rants perhaps)

xoxo- signing off.