My blog is dead. Totally ain't no mood to write anything since months ago.
I was pretty much tired of doing so many events & sponsors write up because I have to input so many informations that won't make the post any interesting for me to keep writing. To be honest, I wasn't paid, only with sponsored stuff which I won't be able to finish using them. I not the freebie goer kind of person. They end up just sitting in my house taking up space.
My interest for blogging is not writing stuff I don't enjoy writing.
So you see, I stopped going for events I am not interested in or not that interested in. And I strongly feel that client should be paying for efforts. Time is everything.
I am also going through a lot in life recently. These past few months was one of a kind experiences. I met many new people. I was overwhelmed and I was happy to some extend. There were unhappy moments as well because I decided to be honest and be myself.
These few months, I had struggles and I was trashed badly. I was pulled lower than I thought I would go. I felt totally insecure. My self esteem went down to almost nothing. I doubt myself. I wasn't as confident of myself anymore and I felt like I was to blame for all the unhappiness. The only reason is because, I lost myself for somebody else. I looked up to the wrong person, I trusted the wrong people.
I cried endless nights & days during quarrels and arguments. I felt like I am the bad guy. I am to be blamed. I asked myself to leave everything behind. I asked myself to forget everything that had happened. I asked myself to let myself off. Many times I knew I have to walk away. My heart and emotions took over. Everything went haywire over and over again. It's suffocating and I was drowning.
I gave everything I have, they were so important but were unappreciated.
I was so focus on gaining approval and making everyone else happy, I forgot about myself. I forgot to stand firm on my believes, my principle, even nearly my dignity.
It was devastating.
I love them and I want them to be happy but I forgot to really love myself.
I wasn't allow to tell anybody about anything, not even my family members. And so, I had "no one" to confine in. I had to confess, I had thoughts of suiciding to end the pain I am feeling.
Until now, I haven't really got over whatever that happened. It was just about a week ago, I started to really force myself to leave these toxin mess behind. After seeing what I least want to see, I had to believe that it was never right to begin with.
God gave me many red signals, telling me so many things through their actions and it was me who was blinded by my heart.
My instincts & my brain analysed and told me things but I refused to listen to it and ignored them. Some people we have to let go regardless of how much we want them in our life.
I am still fixing this broken young soul and heart. My career is not doing well either. I am just glad, to have people supporting me. At least, you guys are the reason I am still moving forward.
Social media doesn't show everything. At least for me, I didn't want to have a negative influence on people. I find that, there isn't a need for me to spread further negativity. The world needs more positivity... regardless how fake it could be.
The things I have learnt:
1) Truly love & believe in yourself a lot no matter what!
2) We cannot judge a book by its beautiful perfectly decorated cover.
3) Be fake to certain people, because they don't deserve the real you
4) Only let certain people into your life
5) They are not my main friends
6) Choose to be positive on the right things, otherwise it's native
7) Take things easier
8) Do not worry about anything!
9) Care less if not it's just being careless to your heart
10) Appreciate who I am and what I have now, it's definitely much better than if I don't.
11) Do not trust easily.
12) Keep my mouth shut!
Eventually, I will be ok again. I will walk out fine.